Terence, your speculations are spot on - wormholes can open up a number of interesting new methods of self-pleasure just like women’s holes have opened up methods of group-pleasure for millennia. But, before we understand these techniques of wormhole-assisted pleasure giving, let’s cover some of the background theory.

Einstein’s theory of general relativity centres around a concept called space-time. Space-time is not a flat surface but rather a 4-dimensional curvaceous figure that is distorted in the presence of mass-energy just like a sheet is distorted in the presence of a rock-hard object. Now from simple geometry, the shortest distance between two points on a curvaceous figure is not the length of a line drawn on this figure from one point to the next, but is rather the distance of a line projected straight through the figure connecting the points together. When a line like this actually exists like a tunnel through the fabric of space-time, then it is know as a wormhole.

A wormhole like this can form when a massive rotating star collapses and eventually flattens into a ring. An external object can then enter this ring, be subjected to a finite gravitational force and end up in the region of space-time where the wormhole connects. Now, if the distance between wormhole openings is relatively small and the external object entering the wormhole is an erect penis, then the wormhole can assist in the achievement of pleasure, which is the subject of your good question.

How you achieve self-pleasure here depends on whether you prefer oral or anal sex, but my opinion is that wormhole-assisted autofellatio is far more satisfying. Like most guys, you are probably not flexible enough to suck your own dick and you have probably not removed a rib like Marilyn Manson to achieve this, so this is why you need a wormhole with openings about 15cm apart. Align the wormhole openings with your mouth and erect penis. Then stick your penis into the opening that is closest to it and, whatever the proportion of your penis, you should see it now in close proximity to your mouth. I’m not going to tell you what to do from here because it’s filthy and you can work it out for yourself. Use your imagination.