Sometimes I wish I could come like the women in the porn videos. Glacial, porcelain dolls with flawless skin and perfectly made-up faces.

You don't see their bodies going blotchily red and hear them howling like a banshee. There is no sloppy wet patch where their mouths have dribbled on the pillow or a puddle of gunk where the mixture of semen and orgasm has leaked convulsively from between their legs.

Their faces remain uniformly the colour the make-up artist applied earlier, not red-cheeked and white-eyed, frantically blinking....