What’s it like to have a penis? I get asked that a lot, and not always by women.

There’s no single answer. My relationship with my dangling self, like all healthy relationships, has evolved over time. We have grown and changed together, staying up late, swapping stories.

I must say it is undeniably fun to have a penis. It’s like walking around with your own amusement park ride.

But the relationship is not entirely fluid. Having survived 34 years so far I can attest to three distinct phases; and so, three distinct rides.

The first phase is from birth to puberty. It is like the bumper cars. For something supposedly pleasurable it seems to hurt more than it should. And you often get stuck just banging yourself into the corner....