It’s no secret that many Japanese people have a rather liberal response to the admittedly subjective question, “What’s weird in the bedroom?” But that doesn’t mean they’re running around being all pervy and pulling their dicks out in the street. In fact, the only ways you will ever see a Japanese penis in public is by sneaking a peek into the sento (the neighborhood public bath), or by heading to Kawasaki on the first Sunday in April, where you will be bombarded with more dicks than you can shake a stick at. Short, fat, crooked, straight, hard, squishy… they’re all there, and many of them are edible.

This 300-year-old matsuri, called the Festival of the Steel Penis, is based on a legend about a demon who hid inside the vagina of a young girl and castrated two men on her wedding night—why two men? I have no idea. She then asked a blacksmith to forge an iron dildo to shove up her hungry orifice to slay the demon. This inspired Shintoists to build a gigantic penis shrine to protect her and other sexual deviants from STDs...

When even leaving a note is too direct…you folks with wireless networks still named “linksys” or “trendnet” are clearly missing out on a priceless opportunity to piss off your neighbors...

Shut the door and lock it. Now stand in front of the mirror and slowly take off your clothes. Marvel at your body -- the flatness of your stomach, the curve of your hamstrings. Years of running have made your hips lean and your calves sculpted. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are a runner.

And, fabulous physical specimen that you are, you love sex. Studies have shown that those who exercise have more sex than those who don't. If you're one of those readers who came to the sport later in life, research shows that you made the right decision. A Harvard University study found that athletes in their 40s and 60s had the same amount of sex as non-athletes 20 years younger. And it gets better. Men who run are better able to achieve and maintain an erection, and women who run have an easier time getting aroused and experience more intense orgasms...

Like me. I mean, we don’t have to be married but you should probably think my incessant desire to overaccessorize is cute. I am not just a foxhole to stick your soldiers in, so enjoy all of my glorious and horrifying attributes. Don’t have a soul patch. Also, wash your crotch. It’s just polite! Don’t be too drunk. That being said, you should have at least two drinks under your belt. Not tequila, because I’m not going to have sex under the influence of tequila. We’re not in Cabo, I don’t want to VISIT Cabo, and sometimes I drink tequila and I vomit all of my stomach contents out. Which would probably be sexy if I were Penelope Cruz but I’m not. Don’t stare at my underwear, take it off!...